My Heart is aching for you

My heart is aching for you. I wish I knew how to make this easier. Please don’t ever feel unloved. You are beautiful, and big-hearted, strong, and intelligent, and so precious. I love you so much. Do you know that? And do you know that although the way I love you has changed, it hasn’t diminished at all? In fact, if anything, I love you more and more every day. I’m afraid to say goodbye. Every time I do, I hope for a different reaction from you. And I’ll keep waiting. And one day, I’ll have the courage to ask you to stay. These age differences really make more of a difference than one expects. But it doesn’t diminish the depth or authenticity of my feelings.

Am I going to reach 50, and begin to regret all the years without you in them? Let’s not get to that point. I want you in my life. If I thought there was any chance for it, I would stay here. But I get that you need space. I just don’t want you to forget about me…. Are people in love always a little dependent, or is it possible to be strong, independent, and part of a couple? Perhaps I just need real independence for a while, first. How do people make this work? I don’t know how to let go of the fear, the paranoia, the desperate sense that I may not get you right. I want to learn how to just trust your love for me, and my ability to talk to, and work with you. I want to learn to trust my ability to make you happy. Or, at least to make us happy together.

Left2Right: why I can't support same-sex marriage, and my response.

Left2Right: why I can't support same-sex marriage

Let me paint you a little picture, David. My partner and I have been together for seven years. We live (thank God) in South Africa, where our country’s constitution protects our human rights. We already can legally adopt children together, we have the same rights as straight couples should (god forbid) either of us decide to leave our partnership, we have recourse to legal action should we feel prejudiced against on the basis of our sexual orientation, and, in the not to distant future, we can, legally, marry. I am so proud of being a South African, not just because of Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu, Nadine Gordimer, J. M. Coetzee and Nkosi Johnson, but because I am a part of the nation that is, after years of struggle, one of the most constitutionally perfect in the world. We are people centered.
But consider this. I am an academic, and will be traveling to Sweden the week after next for a conference. My partner, also an academic, but not a participant of this conference, nonetheless wants to travel with me in order to do some sight-seeing. Every married congress participant was invited to “bring your family”, and accommodation etc. is provided as appropriate. Because my marriage is not yet recognized, my ‘spouse’, while included in the invitation from the conference organizers, is not recognized as such by the Swedish embassy. The result? It is proving surprisingly difficult to secure her a visa, and she may be forced to remain at home. Now imagine, for a moment, that we had a child. Imagine that our child was conceived by my partner with the assistance of a sperm donor. By current South African law, whether her parents marriage is recognized or not, our child could have both my and Victoria’s names on her birth certificate. Even if it proved impossible to secure a visa for Victoria, provided both she and I signed the application forms, there is no legally-recognized reason why our child could not secure a visa in order to travel with me. If, however, the names on her birth certificate were Victoria’s and a sperm donor who none of us has ever met, and who has no desire or intention of being involved in the life of the child recognized as biologically his, this unfortunate individual would have to be tracked down, and his signature acquired on the visa application in order that such application could be made. He would have more legal rights to our child than I would. And I would have fewer rights than a woman who gives her child up for adoption because she fell pregnant when either too drunk, or too high to remember who the father is, and didn’t have the money for an abortion. Listing Victoria and I as “Parent A” and “Parent B” on our child’s birth certificate is a practical matter, as much as an emotional one. I want to be recognized as the parent of my child. And calling me her “father” is a little on the implausible side.

Ok, one more brief sketch, and I’ll leave you be. I have already mentioned that I am an academic. Earlier this year, I was awarded a very prestigious scholarship to pursue a five-year Phd program at an acclaimed US university. Unfortunately, the size of an academic’s salary in South Africa is not sufficient to support a family, and it is imperative, therefore, that my partner and I both have good careers before we begin our family. I really have no choice but to accept this scholarship, then, as the qualification that it will afford me is imperative to my establishing both my intellectual reputation, and a well-paying academic position. The difficulty is, however, that even though my marriage will be recognized in South Africa in a matter of months, it will not be recognized in the United States. The result is that my wife will be unable to acquire the visa usually granted to spouses of foreign students, and we are unable to access the additional stipend money provided should I marry before taking up my scholarship. We are also unable to make use of university-provided couples accommodation, or append Victoria to my medical insurance as a “dependant.” The result is that we are to live apart for the next five years. We have cut into our already overstretched savings in order to budget for two visits a year during the time I am away, but we are unlikely to see each other for more than a total of 8 weeks each year. Impose that prerequisite on straight, married foreign students, and lets see who hollers. And remember, too, that we are relatively well-off. Many of the foreign students that attend American universities will struggle to afford international telephone calls.

There are many more reasons than recognition of equal parental rights for supporting the recognition of same-sex marriage, and while some lucky individuals may feel justified in turning down “second-class” rights, many of us will take what we can get, in the mean time, and continue the struggle.

Fear

Fear. Why do I get like this. You haven’t been anything but friendly, communicative and gentle. Only once have I ever felt truly rejected, and I’m not convinced that was entirely me. And since then, the stars have come out. I said I’d love you unconditionally, and that means dealing with times like this. I’m growing up on the job. And so, it seems, are you. Five years is not as long as one thinks. Oh heck, how do I do this? Just take one day at a time, and draw my strength from the knowledge that I’m still young, and doing what I’m doing is better than doing nothing. Life, love and selfhood take time. And there are no shortcuts.
You know, as much as I want us, you need to do what’s right for you, and if seeing me through all this is going to do you more harm than good, perhaps there really isn’t any way of making it work. On the other hand, what isn’t right for you now may be perfect later. What’s the rush?
“So much to do, so much to see, so what’s wrong with taking the back streets? You’ll never know if you don’t go, you’ll never shine if you don’t glow. Hey now, you’re an all-star, get your game on, go play. Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show and get paid. And all that glitters is gold. Only shooting stars break the mould.”

Musings on diverse topics

I’m gradually gaining insights into what makes me think and behave the way I do. It’s taking time, but like you said, it’s also making me feel calmer. Understanding really does breed acceptance. And perhaps being able to accept myself is the start to building a real life. I understand that I am motivated by fear. Fear of repeating the sense of worthlessness I experienced as a child. I crave recognition because I have grown up believing that people only recognize those who are valuable, and that understanding of value has coloured my sense of self, and motivated my actions. I remember what it felt like to be stuck with people I didn’t especially want to spend time with, because those I did were unavailable. I crave reassurance that the people who love me do so without compulsion, and the effect is that I compel them to, unwittingly. At some point, one has to recognize that people will come to you because they want to, when they want to, and not because they are forced to. And that doesn’t mean playing it cool, or acting nonchalant, but just having the confidence that you have the ability to contribute something, and people will come to you when they are ready for that. At the same time, though, I have an opportunity to acquire what I need from others. And that includes love. But here’s the funny thing about love. There is a lot more to it than just the emotion we call love. It’s about companionship, support, desire and comfort.

You and I have been functioning on a terribly unequal power basis. I have placed myself in a position of subjection to you, and it’s a position for which you are not made. You are as much of a child as I am, in some ways, and you need nurturance, too. At the same time, though, you need to nurture, and not simply be mothered. The amazing thing about all that women have striven for, up to this point in history, is that it allows us to separate out femininity and subjection, and masculinity and strength. A woman can be supremely feminine, supremely powerful, and sexual all at once. Strength does not equal masculinity. And sexuality does not equal subjection. The thing about heterosexual sex is that there is co-dependence and subjection implicit in it. The one on top controls the pace. Making love to a woman presents the possibility of knowing someone for the sake of that alone. Intimacy is in the process of understanding. Does that mean that seeking to understand you is like making love to you? Light-bulb moment. Absolutely it is. Making love originally referred to the whole process of courtship, and in this sense, it still does. Knowing you is loving you.

I’m afraid I may be transferring my emotions onto L. She is not seeking a lover. She has one. She pays me attention because she really wants to. And she tells me she loves me because she wants to. Let that be enough… please. Recognize that she loves you. Recognize that she is not looking for a lover. Recognize that you love her, and don’t need to love her “more”. Quantifying this stuff makes you desperate. You have the strength to make an incredible long term relationship of this. You have shown her you love her. Love who she is, too, and don’t try to change that.

Love who she is, and don’t try to change that. But you need to see her as she is to see that. And she is not defined in relation to you. And you aren’t defined in relation to her. Leave her be, and enjoy who that is. There is a lot there to be enjoyed. The world is a smaller place that you realize, and time is not as all-consuming as you assume. The fact that others may move through her life needn’t change your loving her. Don’t be another shadow moving through her life. Be what you need to be, let her be what she needs to be, and see who that is. Make love to her that way. She’ll come back for more. Rape victims leave. When you make love to a woman, you need to ask her what she wants.

Why are you so afraid to speak in public? You have so much of value to say. I fear the risks you are prepared to take. Thing is, I was prepared to push through my fear of speaking because not doing so would have meant failing in what I do. And I’m afraid of failure. That’s one of the reasons I am afraid of taking the sorts of risks you have. But I don’t know why I equate that with failure. Or maybe I do. I measure my success by others acknowledgement of it. And “others” don’t value your lifestyle. Thing is, I admire you enormously. You’ve achieved so much, in real terms. I want to do even more, and more quickly, and that could be motivation enough for making good on my studies. But really, your success is that you are happy. You have achieved, and are happy with what you’ve done. That’s what I need to find to really make a success of it. You have no reason to overcome your fear of speaking in public, because you have no need for that recognition from others. Your success does not depend on speaking in public. I need to learn to speak on what I love. I measure my success that way because others acknowledgement of me influences my sense of self.

Trembling in Anticipation

How do we make all this work? I want you to want me so badly. I’m terrified of your losing interest, and us running out of time. And I’m trembling in anticipation.

I love you. I probably always will. But in the interim, I’m not above accepting companionship, affection, even love, from other sources. Is that mixing it up too much? I know you’re too soft-hearted to tell me to give you the time you need. I really want to. Will finding companionship in other places help me do that? Perhaps. I know I’m setting myself up for more heartbreak if I fall in love with her. She isn’t in this for the long term. And if she is, it’s long term, but on the side. Could I do that? I guess I’m about to find out. Why does this sound so possible, and exciting, when similar prospects in the past have felt wrong, scary, and perverse? I’m nervous as hell, but so excited.

I'm going mad

I’m going mad, trying to work out how we fit. I want you in my life, and I want to be in yours, but I just can’t figure out how to make us really compatible. Our timings are all wrong, for starters, but beyond that, I just don’t know how to communicate with you. I’m perpetually concerned that I’m driving you mad, or pushing you to the point where you’re going to tell me to get lost. I seem to have had that effect on people in the past. I think it’s related partly to my dependence on others, and partly to my struggling still to work out who I really am, and to show that person. I don’t know how to stop posturing. L said it comes with age, and I could well believe that, but while I love being young, and having my whole life before me, to make of it what I will, I often wish I could just fast-track that kind of self-knowledge, and a little more stability. I will feel so much better when I know what’s happening next year. I hate not knowing exactly where I’m headed. The last time I felt like this, I was in matric, waiting for a varsity acceptance, and hoping it would all work out ok. And as always, it did. I don’t know why I ever expect anything less. I have thought, by moments, that this couldn’t have been any worse, and that I really did land up in the wrong place, but really, it has been perfect in the long run. If I had gone to any other university, or worked with any other people, or even done things on a different time-table, things wouldn’t be as they at present are, with the people who are in my life, and the events that have got me to this point. I am afraid, but as the horoscope says, if you lean into your fears, you’ll come out stronger on the other end. The uncertainty is really unbridled possibility, if I am only prepared to see that. I’m feeling a bit at sea, but that is only natural for the start of a great voyage. You can’t reach a foreign land if you refuse to leave the home shore. Life changes, but always for good, or better, and in time, I will be perfectly satisfied again. I have laid a good foundation, and continue to do so. And if I look for long enough, that lighthouse will keep flashing. The same stars come out every night, and the same people will be here when I return. I will love you from wherever I land up, and you will always be able to count me among your successes.

I’m going mad, trying to work out how we fit. I want you in my life, and I want to be in yours, but I just can’t figure out how to make us really compatible. Our timings are all wrong, for starters, but beyond that, I just don’t know how to communicate with you. I’m perpetually concerned that I’m driving you mad, or pushing you to the point where you’re going to tell me to get lost. I seem to have had that effect on people in the past. I think it’s related partly to my dependence on others, and partly to my struggling still to work out who I really am, and to show that person. I don’t know how to stop posturing. L said it comes with age, and I could well believe that, but while I love being young, and having my whole life before me, to make of it what I will, I often wish I could just fast-track that kind of self-knowledge, and a little more stability. I will feel so much better when I know what’s happening next year. I hate not knowing exactly where I’m headed. The last time I felt like this, I was in matric, waiting for a varsity acceptance, and hoping it would all work out ok. And as always, it did. I don’t know why I ever expect anything less. I have thought, by moments, that this couldn’t have been any worse, and that I really did land up in the wrong place, but really, it has been perfect in the long run. If I had gone to any other university, or worked with any other people, or even done things on a different time-table, things wouldn’t be as they at present are, with the people who are in my life, and the events that have got me to this point. I am afraid, but as the horoscope says, if you lean into your fears, you’ll come out stronger on the other end. The uncertainty is really unbridled possibility, if I am only prepared to see that. I’m feeling a bit at sea, but that is only natural for the start of a great voyage. You can’t reach a foreign land if you refuse to leave the home shore. Life changes, but always for good, or better, and in time, I will be perfectly satisfied again. I have laid a good foundation, and continue to do so. And if I look for long enough, that lighthouse will keep flashing. The same stars come out every night, and the same people will be here when I return. I will love you from wherever I land up, and you will always be able to count me among your successes.

Mirror image

“Looking at you is like looking in the mirror”,
You said,
And you traced my life
With the tip of your finger
From my temple to the point of my chin.
I saw my fear reflected in your eyes
As you looked away
Denying everything.

SMASH MOUTH LYRICS - All Star

SMASH MOUTH LYRICS - All Star