confessional

I jokingly suggested to my mother today that I’m gay. She looked me straight in the eyes, and said very quietly and very deliberately “Don’t ever do that to me.” I had a perversely amusing thought about what it means that my sex life could be about doing something to my mother. Ok, maybe not so funny. Still, if you can’t laugh at a moment like that, you cry. And I’m not in the mood to cry.
For the first time in my life, I feel like the pressure is off. I don’t have to find a husband. Does that mean that my foibles into love up to this point have all been about proving to myself that I’m not gay?
My first sexual encounter was with my best girlfriend when I was 14 and she was 17. It was incredibly sensual, and delightfully innocent, and in the long run, exceedingly frustrating. I stuffed it up by being excessively demanding, emotionally and practically, and she ran as soon as she realized it was heading somewhere less innocent. She has been living with her boyfriend in London for the past three years. I burned all the photographs I had of her when I got engaged. And by the time I had detangled myself from that disaster, I had no photographs of him left. Now, when I open the “my pictures” folder on my computer, two pictures stare out at me with disquieting intensity. The first is of the heterosexual woman I love, and the second is of the inspiringly unselfconscious gay woman who is becoming my mentor. My closest gay male friend is probably the only living man, other than my father, who I can say, with any dignity, that I love. He, too, is rapidly becoming a mentor.
I feel so confidant, and so attractive. And my mother doesn’t want to know about it. I talk about everything, all the time. I wonder, frequently, whether she knows, and is just very deliberately ignoring it. Everyone else seemed to know, even before I did. She has never asked me directly, and she knows that that will reveal all. If I wasn’t, I would have no hesitation answering a direct question. Because she has demanded not to know, I will not tell her, even if that ultimately reveals the truth. I want to ask what will happen when I am in a committed relationship, but the logical part of me knows not to ask for trouble before it presents itself.
How ironic, to be thinking of the relationship for which I long, as trouble.

I didn’t lose my virginity to another human being. I was so afraid of what that would feel like that I broke my hymen myself to avoid the pain later on. I used a cylindrical tube that had once contained tablets. It hurt. It still hurts to have anything bigger than a couple of fingers inside me.

I am so body shy, that I have tensed up every time my breasts have been touched. I felt violated when I realized that the first boy who kissed me was pressing himself against me for his own pleasure, and not mine. But the delightful thing about making love to a woman is that she does what she does to you for your pleasure, and you do what you do to her for hers. No one is using the other for their own pleasure, as a man so easily can. He really can do everything he does purely for his own pleasure. The woman in question need be nothing more than an object for his use. Sure, it need not always be so. It just has been too frequently.

measuring off

I don’t want to leave you, but I recognize that that is because I am afraid to let go. Thing is, the longer and tighter I hold on, the greater the risk that I will crush this rather fragile relationship that keeps us orbiting around one another. And letting go is the only chance I have to figure out how we fit together, if at all. You said that it is not silly to feel this way - that I have to feel this to work through it. I understand that. But I am not prepared to be like this if it tears us apart. I am so frustrated that I have not yet been able to sustain any relationship over time. You really will put up with anything from L. Is it because she is only likely to throw at you what is really her? I don’t know how to do that yet. Please give me the opportunity to figure that out. I understand the intense frustration that comes with a smothering neediness. I get that I am no longer your mirror. But please give me the opportunity to know you, and to come to know me. I don’t want to fight constantly to make this happen. I have been trying to tell both you and S how dangerous it is to be with someone that you have to fight for attention. I do not want to be in that sort of relationship with you. I really do want a healthy partnership. But I need to get to know myself to make that possible. Is the only solution really to leave? I am so afraid to leave. I am so afraid to leave you. I am so afraid of losing you. Why can’t I figure this thing out? I keep asking myself what I really want. And I have no answer. I think I want to feel needed. Is that why I want children? I know I am not ready for them. I think I want a sexual partner. But I am pathologically afraid of my sexuality, almost definitely because of my up-bringing. I really do associate sex with love. And I don’t know whether I am capable of loving another human being at this point. I want to feel protected and needed. I want to cede responsibility to someone else, so that if I make a mess of things, I don’t have to acknowledge it as my own. I want attention. I want to be seen. I want to feel seen. You saw that. I am tired of taxing your patience. I don’t know what will make the difference here. Am I just a drama queen? Is it all just about attention. I now have a week to focus on me, alone, out of touch with you. It now really has to be about making myself right. I will try to think through this, clearly, and figure out where I really stand with you. And where I really stand with myself.

stormy weather

My love,
I am in perhaps the most beautiful place in the world. I can see a lighthouse in the distance from where I sit, and the waves are making such a racket outside the window, I almost can’t hear myself think. Ok, so maybe that’s an exaggeration. I can’t hear myself think when I sit outside, and the waves combine with the sound of the wind in my ears. It’s blowing up a gale. But that just adds to the wild effect of the place. I can’t quite believe I’m here.

I got a job offer today. It may be the best thing that’s happened to me since Finland. Problem is, I am afraid of my fear of not working in the long run, scuttling my dreams to study overseas. I don’t even know if that really is what I want, and when I look at what I’m surrounded by, I can’t imagine leaving this country. But really, I know the experience will be worth it. And I intend to come back. I intend to come back to you. I can’t live my dreams through you. I don’t even know whether I could live them with you. But knowing that doesn’t make me stop wanting to.

acknowledging changes

I have been feeling frustrated, and sad, for no apparent reason, for months. I hate being anything other than productive and efficient, and feeling like this makes me neither. But my approach has been to try to “get over it” without seeking the reason behind it. It’s no different to a doctor treating symptoms because he doesn’t know the cause. Well, I finally think I am beginning to understand the cause of all this misery. I have spent my whole life believing that I was headed in a certain direction. I was building a career, to “make something” of myself, so that I would not feel unfulfilled when I finally get married and have children. Thing is, while I’ve wrestled with, and continue to deal with my changing perceptions of what making something of myself means, I have never even questioned the assumption that marrying some nice man, and having children, is my ultimate desire. Dealing with my sexuality has created more tension than I was aware, not because of any fear of retribution, or residual guilt (I’ve spent years dealing with those, and I just see them as a non-issue now), but because subconsciously, I have equated acknowledging that I am bisexual with giving up assumptions about my future that I have never dealt with. I do want children. And I want to raise them in a loving, stable, financially sound, family environment. I want my lover and I to do that together. Thing is, I have always assumed that for that to be possible, I would have to have a male lover. I never questioned the assumption that my children would have a dad. Bisexuality, if it leads to my taking a female life partner, puts a spanner in that particular wheel. But not in the dream. I can still raise children in a stable family environment. I can still have a family. Even if I’m gay. That is something I have to come to terms with, but just acknowledging it makes me feel calmer.

Stars

My lover gave me a star yesterday. She calls me her star. Perhaps it is purely ironic that my first email address was “starrs”. I wish I could figure out what it is about the idea of stars that makes me want to aspire to that. Right now it’s purely her characterization of me in that way, but I have wanted that characterization since long before I met her. It’s funny how deeply some things can affect one. I feel so recognized, so valued, and so loved, because she made this effort, and because she recognized something in me that I had forgotten I had wanted.

Embarasing moment

I am sitting in a library, surfing the net, and an ovarian cyst I have been carying around for months (I get these quite regularly) just burst. This is one of the most unpleasant experiences imaginable, as it results in a sudden rush of water (I'm told it's similar to a pregnant woman's water breaking) that is absolutely uncontrolable, and looks like you just peed in your pants.
Well, the guy at the table next to me obviously noticed, at around the same time I did, the water dripping down the leg of the chair on which I am sitting, and promptly moved several seats over. I am now too embarassed to move untill this has dried somewhat, for fear of landing the person who takes this seat after me with more than they bargained for. Oh well, I guess I'll be working here a little longer than I originally intended.

waiting to ....

I'm in this mind-numbing limbo at present, between loving a woman with all my heart, and having to keep the relationship on ice till we both know where our lives are going.
What drove me most mad in my previous relationships was the simple lack of respect shown by people forcing themselves and their affections on me, and paying no heed to what I really wanted. for this reason, I will not move from my present place untill you give me some indication of what you want. As much as I love you, so much do I respect you, and I respect you enough to trust your judgement about what you want and need. Thing is, you know how thick I can be about catching a hint. So one way or the other, you're going to have to spell it out for me. Just know that when the time comes, my lack of action is not lack of caring. the struggle to hold off threatens to overwhelm me. I adore you. but I will only show you how much when you want to know.

My Love,
I am in awe of you. I’m so sorry you have had to go through all you have in the past while, and I wish you could have been saved that, but the decision you have made is so courageous, and I respect your willingness to take that risk. You are such a strong person, and really inspirational, and I am certain that you are on the path to better things. Anyone, or any thing that takes away from all you are capable of, does not belong in your life. Thank you for coming back.