Love of my life,
I feel like I don’t even know you. And I know it’s my own fault. I have been searching for something that may or may not exist, and projecting my image of it onto you. I have been trying to make you something I need to find within myself, and it’s been cramping your style, and shutting down our communication. I don’t think I have ever really looked into your eyes. I have images of you in my head that are based on photographs. A simulacra. I can’t form a coherent memory of you. I felt your presence today, and didn’t know how to respond, as per usual, and so I tried to be something I’m not. Instead of just relaxing into your presence. I don’t really know you, and it’s because I’ve never given you the opportunity to show me who you are. I haven’t been seeing you, I’ve been seeing the person I want to be, and it hasn’t been fair on either of us, you, because I’ve been placing responsibility for my happiness and hopes and future on you, and me, because I’ve been missing the opportunity to learn from you, to really get to know you, and to love and be loved by a real person, with real potential, and real hopes, and dreams, and issues of her own. Please forgive me. I understand if you feel trapped, and just want out, but if there is any chance I could really get to know you, really see you, I want to try to make it work.

Change

My lover cut her hair yesterday. She looks incredibly sexy, and I couldn't stop looking, and complimenting her on it, but upon seeing it first, My stomach really twisted into knots. Every time I cut my hair (more than just trimming the ends) it's because I'm trying to break free of something, or turn my back on some aspect of myself that no longer works for me, and it's something of a symbolic gesture. Long hair always feels so luxurious and feminine, but short feels in control, full of energy and productive and active. My love has been in a rather negative situation for a while that she has been resisting breaking free of, and I really hope that if this hairstyle change denotes anything at all, it denotes a desire to break free from this, but I still fear change, and I have to fight the impulse to cry over her shed locks. Perhaps that's why it's taken her so long to break free from this situation. Perhaps she fears change as much as I do. We both have a lot of change ahead of us in the next year or so, and we're both going to have to get used to that, and so, if this haircut has any more significance than what it appears to have, I hope it's in her willingness to embrace change. I really do like her hair. She is so beautiful, and this just highlights things I haven't noticed in a while. Like her cute ears!, and her shapely jaw-line. Don't call me typical, but I really have never met a more beautiful woman that the one that I adore.

I fear loneliness. I fear never having anyone to share all this good stuff with. I fear facing the really tough things alone. I fear feeling like I haven't made a difference.
All I can really change about this are my reactions to the people and situations I am in. I can't make anyone love me, but I can avoid over-reacting, or behaving paranoid.