I've been mourning my relationship with my best friend pretty intensely for several days. Today I was thinking about what it is exactly that I most miss, and it's two things: us being invested in one another's outcomes, and feeling attuned to one another.

On the first: for many years we've been mutually supportive. When I was preparing to come out to my family she gave me books and music and other supportive talismans to help me remember that I had a queer home. When she was miserable in a failing relationship I sent her care packages, and then helped her move out. We've read and commented on eachother's writing and job application materials, and we've talked about our relationships, life plans, and the things we've been learning about ourselves and our world. I miss knowing what's up with her, and feeling like she cares about what's up with me. But I wonder whether that investment in outcomes is actually codependent? I've felt frustrated by my mother's investment in my outcomes for quite a while, because it felt controlling. She wanted me to be happy because she projected her good self onto me, and she would get really impatient if I didn't take her advice. The thing is that her advice is rarely about what I want or need, but just about ending discomfort. It was frustrating to me because it didn't feel like she cared about me or what matters to me, but only about her own comfort knowing that I'm happy and comfortable. I wonder whether my friend had started to feel like my investment in her was about my own needs and not hers?

As a child I learned that I would get consistent care from my mother only when I demonstrated attunement to her in the ways and at the times that she wanted it. Not attuning in the right way would result in rejection. So yes, my investment and attunement in her was self-interested. I think it's possible that my investment in all the people I care about is self-interested, even though I have worked hard to believe that it was benevolent or loving.

The emotional and intellectual attunement I felt with my friend was extremely nourishing and gratifying, and actually quite addictive in some ways. I think I used it as a way of feeling like I am alright as I am, and like I get to belong in this world, even against what sometimes feels like very strong opposition to my right to exist and do what I do. Sometimes I'm able to feel that right to be internally, and I'm able to trust that the opposition I face, for example, to the new materials and teaching techniques I've brought into our department, is more about the people mounting opposition than about me. But when it comes to my sexuality in particular, I feel a lot of guilt and shame, and have been relying on the affirmation of like-minded friends to feel alright about myself. My friend distanced herself from me in part because she didn't want to be involved in any way with my very messy marriage. She thinks that my wife and I should break up. Sometimes I think the same thing, because the more my wife and I work on our relationship the more clear it becomes that there is some significant misattunement between us. I'm needing to feel emotional connection between us so much, and she's frustrated by my requests, and feeling rejected because of the lack of sex. I'm needing her to take some interest in the things that matter to me, and she's really not particularly interested, and in consequence doesn't really get on at all with my friends. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for some care and attunement, but I'm also aware that the attunement I'm most longing for, from her and my friend, is the attunement that I didn't get from my parents when I was a child. And there's no way to get that now. That time is over.

So I'm grieving today for the attunement I didn't get then and wishing that the need for that hadn't made having healthy relationships so difficult for me.

I'm also recognizing that I might not ever feel good about my marriage, and that I might need to end it to be okay.