looking back
I didn't tell her about the things that were actually wrong, like the day that I cried until I couldn't see and showed up at work with my eyes nearly swollen shut because she had raged at me for hours. She was raging because my attempts at helping someone who needed it caused her discomfort. I told a lie because I didn't feel like I could be that upset over what had actually happened. It felt too small to justify my abjection. I needed to be acknowledged for hurting, but I felt like I had brought the hurt on myself, or like I was hurting unreasonably, and so I needed the story to be much worse so that my reality could match the one I thought everyone else subscribed to.
She hurts too. She fears not being able to control her world, and she fears being abandoned. I learned to submit to overwhelming, scary physical affection that entirely obliterated my physical boundaries. And then I felt like I couldn't say no later. I was trained by a parent to be compliant for my abuser. She didn't think she was doing that, but she made it so hard for me to see my body as my own. And she co-opted my father by making him punish me, sometimes with justification, and sometimes because she was upset. When he wasn't around she co-opted my first girlfriend who punished me by leaving. The thing was, she wasn't unjustified. I'd lied to her because I didn't know how to explain why I was so angry.
But now I effectively set the people I love up to punish me in the same way, by asking them to talk to one another. I knew they would find the inconsistencies I didn't know how to handle, even if I was hoping they wouldn't. I flooded people inappropriately by asking for intimacy and empathy without being able to open up about what was actually making me feel so isolated. I'm really scared that I've been doing the same thing again. And yes, she asked, and this time I didn't need to make it seem worse than it was. Now I'm afraid that I've flooded her, and I'm afraid that she'll leave just like L did.
Borderline personality disorder. I'm putting a stop to it here.
She hurts too. She fears not being able to control her world, and she fears being abandoned. I learned to submit to overwhelming, scary physical affection that entirely obliterated my physical boundaries. And then I felt like I couldn't say no later. I was trained by a parent to be compliant for my abuser. She didn't think she was doing that, but she made it so hard for me to see my body as my own. And she co-opted my father by making him punish me, sometimes with justification, and sometimes because she was upset. When he wasn't around she co-opted my first girlfriend who punished me by leaving. The thing was, she wasn't unjustified. I'd lied to her because I didn't know how to explain why I was so angry.
But now I effectively set the people I love up to punish me in the same way, by asking them to talk to one another. I knew they would find the inconsistencies I didn't know how to handle, even if I was hoping they wouldn't. I flooded people inappropriately by asking for intimacy and empathy without being able to open up about what was actually making me feel so isolated. I'm really scared that I've been doing the same thing again. And yes, she asked, and this time I didn't need to make it seem worse than it was. Now I'm afraid that I've flooded her, and I'm afraid that she'll leave just like L did.
Borderline personality disorder. I'm putting a stop to it here.
posted by choirgirl at 4:26 PM
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