I have tried

My Love,I have tried. I am disappointed that more of your friends won’t be there, but I really have tried. I guess the thing to do now is just make it as entertaining and lively as I can, and enjoy you. After all, it is you I want to celebrate, not them. Hey, love, you know who loves you. I am going to focus on you with everything I have.

Don't make this my fault

I missed you today.
Oh, sorry. You looked busy, so I thought I’d catch you later.
You seem to be slipping out of my life.
Was I ever in your life?
You were in my head.
I reached out to squeeze her hand, and she dissolved into my arms. I held her close and focused on the sensation of her warmth against my body.
I’m afraid of leaving you, I said.
She looked up, her eyes pleading. Why?
I’m afraid of depending on you so heavily that I won’t be able to do this without you. I’m afraid that I’m there already. You are in my head and my heart, and I am afraid of losing that. Of losing you.
I was afraid that you had fallen out of love with me, she said, avoiding my eyes again. I thought you were moving on with your life, and I was being left behind.
I don’t want to leave you behind, I replied, stroking her hair, but I can’t take you with me either, if you don’t want to go.
She pulled away abruptly, and walked over to the window, pushing it open slightly, and struggling with the weight. The noisy street outside engulfed us, and swallowed up her words. Don’t make this my fault.
I wanted to touch her again, to reassure her, but the words forming in my throat felt empty.
I don’t know what to do, I said. I wanted to sink to the floor, but the melodrama of the action stopped me.
She turned to look at me again. Neither do I.
I walked up to her, pulled her to me and kissed her deeply. Then I turned and left without looking at her again.

She's back

She’s back. She called. How do I deal with this? I feel on edge, and nervous, and really unsure of how I want this to go. I was in love with her before I even knew I could, or would, love women like that. I didn’t think I was a lesbian, but I loved her like I was. And it was a horridly traumatic relationship. It ended badly. I thought she would never want to see me again. But she does. I don’t know if I want to see her. I mean, I do, but I’m afraid. I really want to tell her I’m gay, but I don’t know if she will believe me, or react badly, or what. I am more afraid of not being believed than of a bad reaction. It would be easier if she just rejected me, and got on with it. If she didn’t believe me, all my own fears and insecurities would be brought to the fore. I have made it, to some degree. I am a respected career woman in my field, and I have enviable future prospects, but I am insecure and depressed, and I don’t want her to see that.

So?
I love you
And?
And nothing. I love you.
I took her into my arms and pulled her close. We were both shaking. I stroked her hair and kissed her. She turned her face towards me and sought out my lips, desperately, trembling, searching. Her cheek was warm and damp. She had been crying, and I hadn’t noticed. I pulled back to look into her eyes, and was shocked to find them red and swollen. She had been crying for a long time.
I’m so sorry I upset you, I said.
It would have been worse if you didn’t go.
I sat down on the couch and pulled her into my arms.
I did love her once, I said, but it was a long time ago. We were always a bad fit. I still care about her, and hate that she is in a bad state, but you are my priority. She was my first, but I chose you. I still choose you, and want to do what it takes to make this work.
If I wasn’t around?
If I had never met you, I just don’t know, but even if we weren’t together, I love you, and I wouldn’t go to her if I would leave her for you if the chance arose. And I would. If I was with her and you gave me any indication that we might work, I would leave her, but I wouldn’t leave you.
She sat up and looked into my eyes. Her smile was back.I only understood your last sentence, but that’s good enough for me, she said.

I love you more every moment

My love,
I am so sorry I didn’t tell you about this before. I thought I was protecting you. I guess the only way to do that would have been to avoid the situation completely. I am learning these things all the time. I hope this is the end of it all, though. I believe that my depression will lift, now that I am not so afraid all the time. I hope that makes your life easier.
Thank you for sticking by me through it all. I haven’t been very fair to you, forcing you to carry a burden you didn’t need, and not offering the real support you needed in return. I hope I will be able to make it right. More than anything, what this is taught me is just how strong you are. My instinct is always to protect you, but really, that isn’t what you need, is it? What do you really need? What do you want? Show me how to be that to you. You are so important to me, and I love you more all the time, not just for the things you do, though they make me admire you all the more, but just because I want to. Who would not?
I am meeting a friend tonight after work, but I should be home around 7:30. Can I take you out then? Or we could stay in. I’ll make it special. I just want some time all to ourselves.
I love you more every moment.