She's back
She’s back. She called. How do I deal with this? I feel on edge, and nervous, and really unsure of how I want this to go. I was in love with her before I even knew I could, or would, love women like that. I didn’t think I was a lesbian, but I loved her like I was. And it was a horridly traumatic relationship. It ended badly. I thought she would never want to see me again. But she does. I don’t know if I want to see her. I mean, I do, but I’m afraid. I really want to tell her I’m gay, but I don’t know if she will believe me, or react badly, or what. I am more afraid of not being believed than of a bad reaction. It would be easier if she just rejected me, and got on with it. If she didn’t believe me, all my own fears and insecurities would be brought to the fore. I have made it, to some degree. I am a respected career woman in my field, and I have enviable future prospects, but I am insecure and depressed, and I don’t want her to see that.
So?
I love you
And?
And nothing. I love you.
I took her into my arms and pulled her close. We were both shaking. I stroked her hair and kissed her. She turned her face towards me and sought out my lips, desperately, trembling, searching. Her cheek was warm and damp. She had been crying, and I hadn’t noticed. I pulled back to look into her eyes, and was shocked to find them red and swollen. She had been crying for a long time.
I’m so sorry I upset you, I said.
It would have been worse if you didn’t go.
I sat down on the couch and pulled her into my arms.
I did love her once, I said, but it was a long time ago. We were always a bad fit. I still care about her, and hate that she is in a bad state, but you are my priority. She was my first, but I chose you. I still choose you, and want to do what it takes to make this work.
If I wasn’t around?
If I had never met you, I just don’t know, but even if we weren’t together, I love you, and I wouldn’t go to her if I would leave her for you if the chance arose. And I would. If I was with her and you gave me any indication that we might work, I would leave her, but I wouldn’t leave you.
She sat up and looked into my eyes. Her smile was back.I only understood your last sentence, but that’s good enough for me, she said.
So?
I love you
And?
And nothing. I love you.
I took her into my arms and pulled her close. We were both shaking. I stroked her hair and kissed her. She turned her face towards me and sought out my lips, desperately, trembling, searching. Her cheek was warm and damp. She had been crying, and I hadn’t noticed. I pulled back to look into her eyes, and was shocked to find them red and swollen. She had been crying for a long time.
I’m so sorry I upset you, I said.
It would have been worse if you didn’t go.
I sat down on the couch and pulled her into my arms.
I did love her once, I said, but it was a long time ago. We were always a bad fit. I still care about her, and hate that she is in a bad state, but you are my priority. She was my first, but I chose you. I still choose you, and want to do what it takes to make this work.
If I wasn’t around?
If I had never met you, I just don’t know, but even if we weren’t together, I love you, and I wouldn’t go to her if I would leave her for you if the chance arose. And I would. If I was with her and you gave me any indication that we might work, I would leave her, but I wouldn’t leave you.
She sat up and looked into my eyes. Her smile was back.I only understood your last sentence, but that’s good enough for me, she said.
posted by choirgirl at 7:24 PM
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