measuring off

I don’t want to leave you, but I recognize that that is because I am afraid to let go. Thing is, the longer and tighter I hold on, the greater the risk that I will crush this rather fragile relationship that keeps us orbiting around one another. And letting go is the only chance I have to figure out how we fit together, if at all. You said that it is not silly to feel this way - that I have to feel this to work through it. I understand that. But I am not prepared to be like this if it tears us apart. I am so frustrated that I have not yet been able to sustain any relationship over time. You really will put up with anything from L. Is it because she is only likely to throw at you what is really her? I don’t know how to do that yet. Please give me the opportunity to figure that out. I understand the intense frustration that comes with a smothering neediness. I get that I am no longer your mirror. But please give me the opportunity to know you, and to come to know me. I don’t want to fight constantly to make this happen. I have been trying to tell both you and S how dangerous it is to be with someone that you have to fight for attention. I do not want to be in that sort of relationship with you. I really do want a healthy partnership. But I need to get to know myself to make that possible. Is the only solution really to leave? I am so afraid to leave. I am so afraid to leave you. I am so afraid of losing you. Why can’t I figure this thing out? I keep asking myself what I really want. And I have no answer. I think I want to feel needed. Is that why I want children? I know I am not ready for them. I think I want a sexual partner. But I am pathologically afraid of my sexuality, almost definitely because of my up-bringing. I really do associate sex with love. And I don’t know whether I am capable of loving another human being at this point. I want to feel protected and needed. I want to cede responsibility to someone else, so that if I make a mess of things, I don’t have to acknowledge it as my own. I want attention. I want to be seen. I want to feel seen. You saw that. I am tired of taxing your patience. I don’t know what will make the difference here. Am I just a drama queen? Is it all just about attention. I now have a week to focus on me, alone, out of touch with you. It now really has to be about making myself right. I will try to think through this, clearly, and figure out where I really stand with you. And where I really stand with myself.