acknowledging changes

I have been feeling frustrated, and sad, for no apparent reason, for months. I hate being anything other than productive and efficient, and feeling like this makes me neither. But my approach has been to try to “get over it” without seeking the reason behind it. It’s no different to a doctor treating symptoms because he doesn’t know the cause. Well, I finally think I am beginning to understand the cause of all this misery. I have spent my whole life believing that I was headed in a certain direction. I was building a career, to “make something” of myself, so that I would not feel unfulfilled when I finally get married and have children. Thing is, while I’ve wrestled with, and continue to deal with my changing perceptions of what making something of myself means, I have never even questioned the assumption that marrying some nice man, and having children, is my ultimate desire. Dealing with my sexuality has created more tension than I was aware, not because of any fear of retribution, or residual guilt (I’ve spent years dealing with those, and I just see them as a non-issue now), but because subconsciously, I have equated acknowledging that I am bisexual with giving up assumptions about my future that I have never dealt with. I do want children. And I want to raise them in a loving, stable, financially sound, family environment. I want my lover and I to do that together. Thing is, I have always assumed that for that to be possible, I would have to have a male lover. I never questioned the assumption that my children would have a dad. Bisexuality, if it leads to my taking a female life partner, puts a spanner in that particular wheel. But not in the dream. I can still raise children in a stable family environment. I can still have a family. Even if I’m gay. That is something I have to come to terms with, but just acknowledging it makes me feel calmer.