I'm going mad

I’m going mad, trying to work out how we fit. I want you in my life, and I want to be in yours, but I just can’t figure out how to make us really compatible. Our timings are all wrong, for starters, but beyond that, I just don’t know how to communicate with you. I’m perpetually concerned that I’m driving you mad, or pushing you to the point where you’re going to tell me to get lost. I seem to have had that effect on people in the past. I think it’s related partly to my dependence on others, and partly to my struggling still to work out who I really am, and to show that person. I don’t know how to stop posturing. L said it comes with age, and I could well believe that, but while I love being young, and having my whole life before me, to make of it what I will, I often wish I could just fast-track that kind of self-knowledge, and a little more stability. I will feel so much better when I know what’s happening next year. I hate not knowing exactly where I’m headed. The last time I felt like this, I was in matric, waiting for a varsity acceptance, and hoping it would all work out ok. And as always, it did. I don’t know why I ever expect anything less. I have thought, by moments, that this couldn’t have been any worse, and that I really did land up in the wrong place, but really, it has been perfect in the long run. If I had gone to any other university, or worked with any other people, or even done things on a different time-table, things wouldn’t be as they at present are, with the people who are in my life, and the events that have got me to this point. I am afraid, but as the horoscope says, if you lean into your fears, you’ll come out stronger on the other end. The uncertainty is really unbridled possibility, if I am only prepared to see that. I’m feeling a bit at sea, but that is only natural for the start of a great voyage. You can’t reach a foreign land if you refuse to leave the home shore. Life changes, but always for good, or better, and in time, I will be perfectly satisfied again. I have laid a good foundation, and continue to do so. And if I look for long enough, that lighthouse will keep flashing. The same stars come out every night, and the same people will be here when I return. I will love you from wherever I land up, and you will always be able to count me among your successes.