Musings on diverse topics

I’m gradually gaining insights into what makes me think and behave the way I do. It’s taking time, but like you said, it’s also making me feel calmer. Understanding really does breed acceptance. And perhaps being able to accept myself is the start to building a real life. I understand that I am motivated by fear. Fear of repeating the sense of worthlessness I experienced as a child. I crave recognition because I have grown up believing that people only recognize those who are valuable, and that understanding of value has coloured my sense of self, and motivated my actions. I remember what it felt like to be stuck with people I didn’t especially want to spend time with, because those I did were unavailable. I crave reassurance that the people who love me do so without compulsion, and the effect is that I compel them to, unwittingly. At some point, one has to recognize that people will come to you because they want to, when they want to, and not because they are forced to. And that doesn’t mean playing it cool, or acting nonchalant, but just having the confidence that you have the ability to contribute something, and people will come to you when they are ready for that. At the same time, though, I have an opportunity to acquire what I need from others. And that includes love. But here’s the funny thing about love. There is a lot more to it than just the emotion we call love. It’s about companionship, support, desire and comfort.

You and I have been functioning on a terribly unequal power basis. I have placed myself in a position of subjection to you, and it’s a position for which you are not made. You are as much of a child as I am, in some ways, and you need nurturance, too. At the same time, though, you need to nurture, and not simply be mothered. The amazing thing about all that women have striven for, up to this point in history, is that it allows us to separate out femininity and subjection, and masculinity and strength. A woman can be supremely feminine, supremely powerful, and sexual all at once. Strength does not equal masculinity. And sexuality does not equal subjection. The thing about heterosexual sex is that there is co-dependence and subjection implicit in it. The one on top controls the pace. Making love to a woman presents the possibility of knowing someone for the sake of that alone. Intimacy is in the process of understanding. Does that mean that seeking to understand you is like making love to you? Light-bulb moment. Absolutely it is. Making love originally referred to the whole process of courtship, and in this sense, it still does. Knowing you is loving you.

I’m afraid I may be transferring my emotions onto L. She is not seeking a lover. She has one. She pays me attention because she really wants to. And she tells me she loves me because she wants to. Let that be enough… please. Recognize that she loves you. Recognize that she is not looking for a lover. Recognize that you love her, and don’t need to love her “more”. Quantifying this stuff makes you desperate. You have the strength to make an incredible long term relationship of this. You have shown her you love her. Love who she is, too, and don’t try to change that.

Love who she is, and don’t try to change that. But you need to see her as she is to see that. And she is not defined in relation to you. And you aren’t defined in relation to her. Leave her be, and enjoy who that is. There is a lot there to be enjoyed. The world is a smaller place that you realize, and time is not as all-consuming as you assume. The fact that others may move through her life needn’t change your loving her. Don’t be another shadow moving through her life. Be what you need to be, let her be what she needs to be, and see who that is. Make love to her that way. She’ll come back for more. Rape victims leave. When you make love to a woman, you need to ask her what she wants.

Why are you so afraid to speak in public? You have so much of value to say. I fear the risks you are prepared to take. Thing is, I was prepared to push through my fear of speaking because not doing so would have meant failing in what I do. And I’m afraid of failure. That’s one of the reasons I am afraid of taking the sorts of risks you have. But I don’t know why I equate that with failure. Or maybe I do. I measure my success by others acknowledgement of it. And “others” don’t value your lifestyle. Thing is, I admire you enormously. You’ve achieved so much, in real terms. I want to do even more, and more quickly, and that could be motivation enough for making good on my studies. But really, your success is that you are happy. You have achieved, and are happy with what you’ve done. That’s what I need to find to really make a success of it. You have no reason to overcome your fear of speaking in public, because you have no need for that recognition from others. Your success does not depend on speaking in public. I need to learn to speak on what I love. I measure my success that way because others acknowledgement of me influences my sense of self.