Riding this wave

I know that I could get angry about this. I could fight it. It's unfair as hell to force me out like this, and it lets him yet again get away with being a bully. That's not alright. But I'm also feeling relieved. I love teaching this material, but I've been in such a state of contained rage that I've not been functioning optimally. This has been stress from the word go. I feel really bad for these students. But future ones are going to get a better deal. I think that the anger I need to process is my anger at having had to work under these conditions for so long already. I'm really angry that he got away with so much, and I'm annoyed that we have so much long-standing distress to wade through. But I think it may finally be over.

What I want to do now is learn to feel safe here again. I want to really take back my space and my joy and energy and excitement over my job, and do something exciting with it. And I want to learn how to more clearly articulate these boundaries next time. Instead of closing up, building a wall, and defending the fort, I want to be able to say "if you cross this line I'll take defensive action". I'd rather not live behind a wall if I can help it. It's good to know that I can do that when I need to, and that my instincts do such a good job of protecting me. Now let's get used to defending my self a different way.